Whew. I guess it has been a minute since I published anything on my blog. I really am going to try and stick with it this time. Lord knows I have plenty to say! Well, this blog is about forgiveness and moving forward.

Three weeks ago today I received a very surprising text message from someone I didn’t expect to still have my phone number. It was a message (in any form) I had been waiting many years to receive. Let’s put a pin in that for a moment. I’ll come back to it.

Forgiveness hasn’t always been easy for me. I can admit it. I am a 35 year old woman who still struggles with forgiveness. When someone has done something hurtful or wrong to me, I tend to hold onto it and not let go. It’s almost as if time freezes, and I just can’t manage to move forward. Yet, time and time again, the pain continues to build deep in my soul and spirit. The mere mention of the individual who upset me raises my blood pressure almost instantaneously. Emotions range from anger to an uncontrollable crying spell. At times I may call a friend or two (usually my best friend Erin) or a family member. It really depends on the situation or the individual who wronged me.

Unfortunately, it never seemed to get me anywhere. I would cry, curse out loud for a few minutes (and yes, I have a potty mouth…especially when I’m angry), scream and yell. But where was it getting me? It got me nowhere other than in the grocery store buying food I had no business purchasing to mask the hurt and pain caused by someone other than myself yet I, Elizabeth Marie, was contributing to my own weight problems by consuming unnecessary calories.

Life is funny. When you see others acting a certain way after someone wronged them, we as humans are very willing to offer advice and suggestions we may have previously read in a book or a magazine. Yet, when it comes to our own livelihood, we don’t even see the obvious. We may hear advice from our friends and loved ones, but we are more than likely not listening. It usually takes something pretty drastic for the light bulb to flash and then POW, we get it. It all makes sense. At that very moment, you realize it’s time to accept what happened, move forward and forgive them. It’s not about forgiving them so they feel better. It’s about forgiving them so YOU feel better. That weight can now be lifted off your shoulders. You no longer have to be angry. You no longer have to cry. You no longer have to hurt.

Now, let’s get back to this text message.

My dad died in 2006. He was the man who raised me. He was the man who practically never missed my basketball or soccer games when I was a child. He was the man who sat proudly in the 90 degree Alabama temperatures to watch me graduate from college. He was THE man, but he wasn’t the man who was biologically my dad. He met and married my mom when I was two years old. He stepped to the plate when someone else did not.

My biological father was absent most of my life. I know who he is and have always known. He has never made a concerted effort to get to know who I am or even the kinds of food I like to eat. He doesn’t know about my past relationships with men. He was never present when I was in and out of hospitals my entire life due to a variety of reasons. He was not the man my dad was….far from it.

This is not a blog post to bash him or take inventory of all the events and moments he missed in my life. This blog post is about the text I received from him on that Friday.

For so long, I wondered why. Why doesn’t he want me? Why doesn’t he want to be a part of my life? Why did this happen to me? Is this why I have struggled with my own relationships with men? So many questions would circle my head with never a clear answer….until that Friday.

I received an apology. No, it was not a long drawn out apology making excuses for his absence. Just a simple apology for not being the father he knows he should have been. I’ll admit. I was in shock. I did not know how to react and certainly had no idea what to say in my reply. I cried. I cried for a long time. I shut down. Why now? Is he dying? Did something happen? I cried the entire weekend.

But on that Sunday, it hit me. After a gut-wrenching crying spell and long embrace from the man in my life who has been an unbelievable support system, I realized it was time to let go. It was time to accept the past for what it was. It was time for me to forgive Walter for all the moments he missed. It was time to move forward with my life.

I don’t want anything. I really have no desire to speak to him again. And I’m okay with that.  After 35 years, I finally understand why it is so important to forgive.

Until next time…….these have been just a few thoughts “From My Hart.”